What is grief?
And why is it so hard to “get over”?
Grief is one of the most profound emotions we experience as humans. It’s the deep sorrow we feel in response to loss, particularly the loss of someone or something we love deeply. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a significant relationship, or even the loss of a cherished dream, grief can overwhelm us, leaving a lasting impact on our hearts and minds.
But what exactly is grief, and why is it so hard to get over?
Understanding Grief
Grief is not just one emotion; it’s a complex mix of feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations that vary from person to person. At its core, grief is our natural response to loss. It’s how we process the reality that something or someone important is no longer a part of our lives.
Grief can manifest in various forms:
Emotional: Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, or even relief.
Physical: Fatigue, headaches, or a sense of heaviness.
Cognitive: Difficulty concentrating, confusion, or a sense of unreality.
Behavioral: Changes in sleep patterns, withdrawal from social activities, or seeking comfort in certain habits.
Why Is Grief So Hard to "Get Over"?
The phrase “get over” grief can be misleading because grief isn’t something you simply move past. Instead, it’s something you learn to live with and integrate into your life. Here’s why grief can be so challenging:
The Depth of the Connection: The stronger the bond with what we’ve lost, the deeper the grief. When someone or something has been integral to our identity, letting go feels like losing a part of ourselves.
Unresolved Feelings: Grief often brings unresolved feelings to the surface—regrets, unspoken words, or unfinished business. These can create a lingering sense of pain that’s difficult to shake.
Societal Expectations: Society often expects us to “move on” quickly, but grief doesn’t adhere to a timeline. The pressure to appear okay can make the process even harder, as it may feel like there’s no space to fully experience or express our sorrow.
Triggers and Reminders: Grief is not a one-time event. It can be reignited by anniversaries, holidays, or even seemingly small reminders, making it feel like a wound that never fully heals.
The Fear of Forgetting: Sometimes, people resist moving forward because they fear it means forgetting their loved one or losing their connection to what they’ve lost. Our pain, in this sense, becomes a way to keep the memory alive.
The Complexity of Healing: Healing from grief doesn’t mean erasing the pain; it means finding a way to carry it with us. This process is deeply personal and requires time, patience, and self-compassion.
Theories of Grief
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneering psychiatrist, introduced the concept of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Later meaning was added by David Kessler, a protege and friend to Dr. Kubler-Ross. However, it’s important to note that grief is not a linear process. These stages are not a checklist to be completed but rather different emotions that can ebb and flow in unpredictable ways. And although probably the most well-known grief theory it is also not the only one. In fact there are many that describe our relationship to loss, to death, and to life itself.
In the book the Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller, he introduces the idea that grief is not just a personal experience but also a communal one. He emphasizes the importance of rituals and community in the grieving process, suggesting that the collective acknowledgment of grief can lead to deeper healing. The book also touches on different types of grief, including personal loss, ancestral grief, and the grief we feel for the suffering of the world.
He introduces the concept of the "Five Gates of Grief," which represent different sources of grief that we encounter in our lives. These gates help us understand that grief is multifaceted and often stems from various, sometimes overlapping, aspects of our existence.
1. The First Gate: Everything We Love, We Will Lose
This gate acknowledges that grief arises from the inevitable loss of the things we hold dear. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or the passing of time, this form of grief is tied to the impermanence of life. It’s the most recognized and understood form of grief, and it touches everyone.
2. The Second Gate: The Places That Have Not Known Love
This gate represents the grief that comes from the parts of ourselves that have never been touched by love, acceptance, or compassion. It’s about the wounds we carry from neglect, rejection, or unhealed trauma. These are the places within us that feel unloved or unlovable, and the grief here is connected to the longing for love and acceptance that was never fulfilled.
3. The Third Gate: The Sorrows of the World
This gate opens to the grief we feel for the larger world—our environment, communities, and the collective suffering of humanity. It’s the sorrow we carry for the destruction of the earth, social injustices, and the pain of others. This grief is often overwhelming because it connects us to the broader suffering that we may feel powerless to change.
4. The Fourth Gate: What We Expected and Did Not Receive
This gate relates to the grief stemming from the unmet expectations and unfulfilled dreams in our lives. It’s the loss of what we hoped would be but never came to pass, whether in relationships, careers, or life’s milestones. This type of grief can be subtle yet profoundly impactful, as it touches on the gap between our hopes and reality.
5. The Fifth Gate: Ancestral Grief
This gate involves the grief we inherit from our ancestors. It encompasses the pain, trauma, and unhealed wounds passed down through generations. Ancestral grief can be a mix of personal and collective sorrows, and it often resides deep within us, influencing our lives in ways we might not fully understand. This grief invites us to acknowledge and honour the struggles of those who came before us.
Weller suggests that by recognizing and working with these five gates of grief, we can begin to integrate our sorrow in a way that allows for healing and transformation. Each gate represents an entry point into our grief, offering us a chance to explore and understand the various layers of our pain.
Embracing the Journey of Grief
While grief is hard to “get over,” it’s important to understand that healing is possible. It’s not about forgetting or moving on but about finding a new way to live with the loss. This might involve creating new routines, finding support through therapy or community, or engaging in creative expression like writing, art, or movement.
Grief can be a lifelong companion, but it doesn’t have to define our lives. By acknowledging our pain, seeking support, and allowing ourselves to grieve fully, we can begin to find moments of peace and even joy again.
In the end, grief is a testament to the love we’ve experienced. It’s a reminder that what we lost mattered deeply, and that’s something to honour as we continue our journey forward.
“It is not events that disturb people, it is their judgments concerning them.” Epictetus
